The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
