Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soap is not a condiment
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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