I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
smell my finger.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
