Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
