I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
