sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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