I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
