dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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