I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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