I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
