i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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