I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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