Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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