Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
