Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
