If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
