I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
