considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
