I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
