I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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