she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
