I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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