I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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