she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
