I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
