Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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