chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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