I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
