When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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