That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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