just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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