I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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