my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
