I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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