my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
