I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
