Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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