i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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