maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
