two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
