I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Success! We fucked roommates!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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