Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
