Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
