Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
