you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
