i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
