My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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