She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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