I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
