Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
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So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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