Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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