The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
