Texts From Last Night

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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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  (517): I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher. http://tfl.nu/b9fx
  Replies (6) Good night (621) Bad night (1574)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?

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  (269): Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not? http://tfl.nu/k8n6
  Replies (37) Good night (3369) Bad night (940)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"

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  (910): i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day" http://tfl.nu/pe7h
  Replies (33) Good night (1067) Bad night (2302)
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  (631): View more from New York

  New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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  (631): New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled. http://tfl.nu/1807
  Replies (164) Good night (9207) Bad night (958)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.

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  (318): Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity. http://tfl.nu/izk8
  Replies (66) Good night (627) Bad night (4766)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.

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  (404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/zmp3
  Replies (12) Good night (5896) Bad night (698)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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  (774): My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight. http://tfl.nu/ukm0
  Replies (20) Good night (4881) Bad night (963)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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  (317): I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it. http://tfl.nu/klgn
  Replies (8) Good night (6242) Bad night (845)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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  (828): I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm. http://tfl.nu/jyta
  Replies (19) Good night (815) Bad night (4656)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.

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  (306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess. http://tfl.nu/uhd6
  Replies (5) Good night (1188) Bad night (581)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

  (347): View more from New York

  I can't even drink.

  (646): View more from New York

  The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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  (646): Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom (347): I can't even drink. (646): The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples. http://tfl.nu/1cwa
  Replies (10) Good night (1998) Bad night (655)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.

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  (907): I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream. http://tfl.nu/8o4c
  Replies (6) Good night (569) Bad night (466)
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?

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  (971): Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art? http://tfl.nu/i4so
  Replies (4) Good night (528) Bad night (285)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.

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  (773): He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing. http://tfl.nu/5ouo
  Replies (12) Good night (327) Bad night (659)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?

  (813): View more from Florida

  Heaven. . It would look like heaven

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  (727): Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together? (813): Heaven. . It would look like heaven http://tfl.nu/645f
  Replies (5) Good night (736) Bad night (357)

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