Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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