my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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