I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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