Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
