Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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