Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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