Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
