I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
