I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
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There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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