Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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