What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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