I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
