it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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